The Single Wife, Again…

Do you ever look back over your life and ruminate on the exact moment a monumental event happened in your life that made it change course?

May 13, 2017 2:33PM

Not again.

This is what I thought as I looked down at a Snap Chat message from a woman who was claiming she was the girlfriend of the man I was currently dating, who happened to be sitting right next to me. I turned to him, “Who is this?” while holding the phone up to his face. He looked bewildered. “I don’t know,” he replied. The initial message read:

Hello Aisha, are you of relation to Desmond Price?

I was puzzled and turned to him. He looked clueless. I responded to her, “No, I’m not. Why?”

I’m his girlfriend.

My hands started to slightly quiver. She’s his girlfriend? I looked into his eyes, searching for something, or anything to be quite honest to confirm that this was not true. How could she be his girlfriend if in the 3 years we’ve been dating (with a 6 month break within that time) I couldn’t get that title from him? I echoed that sentiment to him out loud and he emphatically confirmed the same thing. So, I did what any respectable adult would do: I asked her for proof. As I waited for her to send it to me, my Beloved, was in the background talking about a certain Facebook group that he’s in. He had launched into a full scale monologue, expressing that girls from this group liked to cause trouble like this. However his voice was fading as I was anxiously waiting for the incoming messages from the self-proclaimed “girlfriend.” I had started to perspire. My hands were moist and shaking.

As I sat in my bed, overheating, I said to him, “This is the second time. This is the second time some chick from the group finds me and messages me some BS. So, what did you do to this one that she’s tracked me down? Because, we all know you’ve claimed me nowhere publicly.”

“I don’t know! I’ve never seen her before,” he says as he looks for her in the members section of the group to confirm that that is where she is from. “Look, she’s in the group!”

As Desmond continues to confirm her placement in the group and exclaim that he does not know why she is doing this, I receive screenshots of text messages between them. His name and number are on the top of the screenshot. It looks like a legit text message but the content is making me dizzy. The woman is telling Desmond that she loves the way he interacts with her kids and it means everything to her. She goes on to express that because of that it makes it hard for her to see a future without him. His response: “My bad lol”

My mind is reeling. I close my eyes. My heart is racing and I don’t want to read anymore. “What is she saying?” he asks. “She’s sending me screenshots of your text conversation,” I reply as I hold up the phone once again to his face. I look back down and continue to read. She goes on to ask him for clarity if they were exclusive and he answers that they are. I look up from my phone and notice that he is in the middle of gathering his things. “Where are you going?”

“I told you that I don’t know where my ID is and I’m going to look for it. I didn’t plan to stay here all day.”

“Do you really think that now is a good time for you to leave!?” I ask frantically.

He continues to gather his things as I read the text messages to him now out loud. The next messages are her expressing how much she’s going to miss him and he answered that he was going to miss her too and he would be back before she knew it. She asked if they were going on an outing they had discussed when he got back. She said, “Safe travels. Have fun. Send pictures.”

“You’re really going to have to make me understand this!” I am not raising my voice.

“I don’t know! People can photoshop!”

“I know your text style! This sounds like you!”

“Well, she’s seen me post in the group obviously! She could have taken that from there!”

“For what purpose?! What reason does she have to do this to you?!”

As he is putting on his sneakers, a very long message comes into my inbox from her:

My name is Kariba. I am Desmond’s girlfriend, or so I thought, after we had a discussion about exclusivity with one another, with the agreement that we would never lie to or cheat on each other. I will not perpetrate myself to be a woman on the “home girl, you better watch out” patrol. Instead, I’ll be nothing but honest and tell you that I am contacting you with a very heavy heart. Desmond and I have been seeing each other since December of 2016. I met him as a member of the (Online Facebook) group. I was intrigued by a response that he posted in the group forum. I private messaged him to compliment the way that he relayed his thoughts. I was truly impressed. I had never reached out to any man by way of that platform prior to him. I really thought he was unique. Conversation between Desmond and I ensued over the next few days. The communication seemed scanty, and because of that I asked him if he was in a relationship or some type of situationship. He retorted by stating that women often “think a break in conversation means there’s another woman somewhere”. I expressed that I didn’t want there to be a woman somewhere who was misunderstanding the relationship between he and her. He again assured me that he was single and was a great believer in transparency. He wrote plainly in text, “No relationship, I told you I’m single already. Misunderstandings can only happen when there’s no transparency and I shared with you that I’m totally transparent so it’s all good on my end”. The text that I’ve quoted comes from the messages that I still have saved in my facebook inbox. Desmond and I met shortly after. We met up at a Barnes & Noble bookstore in the city. We sat and talked for hours. We talked about our belief systems, our families, Black history and culture, my children, Hurricane Sandy, relationship expectations…everything. The next time that Desmond and I met up, I went to his house. I had felt so comfortable with him at Barnes & Noble. It felt like I knew him for a million lifetimes. We watched movies at his house and had Chinese take-out. It was an awesome second meet-up. We kissed for the first time. It was late, and I was tired, so I stayed the night. We did not have sex. I had been celibate for over a year and wasn’t ready to have sex with anyone. The next time that Desmond and I met up was at a (Online Facebook Group) event. My sisters had come with me and I stayed until about 11:30p and realized that Desmond was going to bowl all night. I decided to go home and told him to come over after. He arrived at my house at about 2am and he spent the night. The next day, we watched movies and talked… a lot. We made out and the discussion of sex came up. I told him about my past experiences and why it is that I didn’t share my body with others easily. He was so nurturing. He told me that we didn’t have to have sex. He said that we could wait as long as I liked. He also assured me that when we had sex, he had no intention of just disappearing. Ironically enough, that was the night that we had sex for the first time. I found myself smitten with his charm. I thought that Desmond was God’s answer for all of those silent prayers I recited. We went on dates. He even came all the way to my house to dig my car out after the storm. I thought for sure that he was invested. Our relationship continued to develop. I took my children on a Caribbean cruise in February. Desmond and I were in touch during my trip. I felt so safe with him that I asked if he was ready to meet my kids when we got back. He was enthusiastic. He said that she was ready and that he was confident that things would go fine. I had never introduced my children to a man. They’d only interacted with their father and my brother. Desmond was definitely a big deal for me. I grew nervous as his meeting with my daughters approached. One day in March, they met, and it was magic. My children were immediately enamored by him and that’s when I knew I wanted him to stay. Desmond didn’t initially spend the night when my children were home. He wanted to respect their space and he actually asked that I converse with them about him potentially spending the night. I expressed his sentiment to my daughters and they were elated. They attached themselves to Desmond in such a short period of time. His relationship with them prompted me to speak with him about exclusivity. He smiled at the notion. He told me that I of course knew what his answer would be. He further stated that we should get tested so that we could start our relationship with a clean bill of health. Desmond and I had become exclusive. He told me that as long as there was no lying or cheating we were good to go. He stood by the fact that he had never cheated in his life and had never been cheated on, to his knowledge. I found myself wondering how I got to be so lucky. How did I attract such an anomaly, especially a God fearing one without children. Things with Desmond and I were so easy. If I got upset, we would talk about it. Nothing about our relationship seemed arduous until I had to talk to him about the time lapse in our communication. We definitely texted everyday but there were times where he just seemed out of reach for hours. I knew that he was working overnight inventory and I was also aware that he was a home theater installation consultant by day. I never really quite knew when he was asleep or awake, so I would wait for him to make contact with me first. If he seemed preoccupied, I would ask if everything was okay and he would say yes, reminding me that he was a direct communicator, and further stating that if he had a problem with me or our relationship, I would be the first to know. Desmond and I were in what seemed to be a progressive relationship. He met my siblings. He helped my sister move from the Bronx to Connecticut. He and my sister even discussed plans for a family road trip to Busch Gardens this summer. He and I made plans to visit Ghana this upcoming December. My friend in Ghana was excited to meet him, as I had never spoken about someone with so much enthusiasm. I love(d) Desmond. He was the man that I literally wrote on paper for manifestation during a new moon. On the last weekend in April, Desmond was at a restaurant with my siblings and said that he was going to Mexico with some friends. I was shocked because we hadn’t discussed that before. I remember us conversing about him potentially visiting Washington during football season to watch a game but I definitely didn’t remember a last minute trip to Mexico. He told me that he was leaving during the week and would be back before the weekend. Desmond and I usually saw each other on the weekend because of distance and our schedules. Sometimes he would come in the middle of the week though. Those were the sweet spots. He would spend the night, help me get the kids ready for school and walk with us to the school building. Afterward, he walked me to the train station and gave me a kiss goodbye before exiting the station and walking back to the D train on the west side of Harlem. I loved those days. He was an instant King in my eyes and I always sent a message of appreciation by text message, to which he would reply, “my pleasure”. I discovered that Desmond was in Mexico with you by spirit first, and investigation second. I dreamt that he was in Mexico and called me. On the phone, he told me that he had been cheating on me this entire time. I woke up frantic and blamed the dream on my tea blend. Mugwort is known to kick up some old pain to assist with the healing process. I thought that perhaps I had put too much in the muslin bag. I convinced myself that I was having a nightmare based on some type of abandonment issue that had manifested itself as a response to Desmond’s absence. I event took it a step further by also associating the dream with the experiences I had with my former boyfriend. I theorized that I hadn’t quite healed from the pain of his infidelity. I did my best to remain optimistic. The following night, I had another dream that Desmond had called me from Mexico. He told me that he had something that he needed to tell me. I heard the sound of a woman’s voice in the background and before I could respond, an ocean wave washed me over carrying me into another part of the dream. The wave ushered me into a room where I sat in a circle of women. Desmond entered the room and took a seat across from me. He didn’t feel like himself. He seemed void of emotion. He introduced himself to the women in the group as “Sabrina’s” boyfriend. I said to myself out loud in the dream, he knows my name isn’t Sabrina. While I tried to process what was going on while still dreaming, a woman went to sit on his lap. I stood up and grabbed her immediately and pushed her to other side of the circle, where she landed on the chair. She looked up at me dramatically, with braids strewn all over her face, and then over to Desmond, as if to silently state her disbelief. I turned to Desmond and told him to meet me outside. He responded by telling me no and went over to help the woman up off the couch. He exited the room with her and I followed. The woman looked at me, and I looked at her. She then looked back to Desmond and said “tell her”. Desmond didn’t respond to the demand but I knew what his truth was without the sound of his voicing needing to pierce my ears. He had been cheating on me. The dreams left me disheveled and I waited for Desmond to contact me while he was in Mexico. He didn’t call or text. My gut told me that something was off. I had no trust issues with Desmond prior to my dreams. I went online and began searching for clues. All of the clues led me to you. I am positive that you and Desmond were on vacation together. I am in no way blaming you for anything. Based on the history of the online interactions, Price family love, and timeline of events I put together, Desmond has been cheating on you rather than on me. I assure you that I had no idea. I don’t condone lying or cheating. I endured much of that while I was married, hence the divorce. A part of me feels like I should’ve known better when we initially started talking. I googled him and found him on a “Don’t Date Him” site. Considering that someone had placed him on there in 2008, I felt that even if he had been that person she depicted, he had many years to make a change. He and I had multiple conversations about the consistent I’ve already stated my stance with Desmond. He broke my heart. This is the way I’m choosing to express myself. If you walk or live in a life of faith, as I have, then this letter is a gift. I called my dreams nightmares but they’ve always been God’s way of protecting me. The pain comes now but it won’t last forever, and I have to find my peace in that fact. Desmond is a very special breed of liar. He’s the kind of man that makes me afraid of trusting other men. He showed me that there is no code of nobility in dating and relationships, or better yet, he showed me that if there is one, it’s easily emulated and used as a tool for prey. Before Desmond left for Mexico, things between us were fine. He came to my house right after his overnight shift on Saturday morning. I let him sleep while I went to run some errands. We watched movies and talked, as per our usual. We showed each other lots of affection, as we usually do. He left my home late on Saturday night, citing that he needed to do laundry and get himself packed up for his trip on Monday. I spoke to him Sunday morning by text message, letting him know that I would miss him and he mirrored my sentiment. I have not heard from him since then. Desmond gave me no indication that he wanted to leave our relationship, outside of the fact that I didn’t even know that he was in one with you. I obviously realize that I’ve been played at this point and that hurts, deeply. It’s funny, Desmond and I were going to take pictures when he got back for me to place on my vision board. He was so accepting of my practices. I had never felt so free to be me. I’m guessing all of that charm and acceptance is a part of the con. I saw Desmond every weekend, with the exception of maybe 1 or 2 through the course of our relationship. He really had me fooled. His investment felt real. The way he seemed to care about me felt real. I’m an awesome people reader. However, I didn’t read through him. For that, I’m disappointed in myself and will take the necessary time that I need to heal from this experience. You and I seem to have a lot in common. That’s probably why he was attracted to me in the first place. I’m sorry to have virtually met you under these circumstances. I need to close this chapter in my life. Considering that I have not spoken to him since the day he left for the trip, I am under the impression that he has decided to “ghost”, as opposed to having a truthful conversation about his wants and wishes. I wish you the best going forward in whatever you choose to do with him.

My chest was tight.

I couldn’t breathe.

He was trying to leave my house. “This is a real elaborate and detailed story to have been faked, Desmond!” I yelled as I blocked his path out the door. “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”

“Well, I’m telling you that it’s all made up and it seems you believe her. I said I wasn’t going to stay all day I have to see if I can find my ID.

“You have got to be freaking kidding me right now. You are going to leave me here to deal with this on my own?! I didn’t ask for this! You brought this drama to me! I have NEVER brought any drama your way! Wait! Before you go, she’s saying she can send me a picture of you in her house! Let’s wait for that!” I say as I start to go back to her message thread in my phone. She sends the picture and I know it’s him immediately. “This is you.”

“You going to say that’s me from a side profile?!”

“Desmond, I know you. Over these past 3 years I’ve studied you. I know your side profile. I would know you anywhere,” I say to him as I look sadly into his eyes. I text her and ask if she can send more. She replies that she can send video.

Video.

“Please, just wait for the video and then you can leave!”

“Please move,” he says.

“How can you leave right now?! You! Who said that you would work out anything with me! You! Who said you don’t run from problems and we’d face them head on! I cannot believe you right now!”

It was in that moment that realization hit me. I couldn’t breathe. I grabbed my chest. I looked up into his eyes. “You did this,” I whispered.

“No, baby…”

“Shhh….,” I pulled him into the small alcove between my front door and the door to exit my apartment and sat on the floor. He bent down as I gasped for breath. I reached up to touch his face as I searched his eyes for the answer to the one question that was demanding to be asked: Why?

“You did this…you did this…,” I whispered over and over.

“No, baby, no. Noooooo.”

“She said she called you numerous times. I’m going to ask for her phone number. I just want to see your missed calls. If they aren’t in there then we can go forward knowing that she somehow lied about this whole thing!”

“I’m leaving.”

“Please, please! Here, she sent me her number!” I say frantically as he pushes past me and exits my house. “All I’m asking is that you show me your missed calls! If this 917 number is not there then fine!

“Showing you is not going to change anything.”

“Are you serious!!? I’ve never asked you for much but do you understand what is at stake right now? If you walk away right now?! This could all be over if you showed me your missed calls!”

He continues to walk away as I stand in the doorway looking like a mad woman. I watch him disappear.

I go back into my house and check on my son who had moved to the back of the house. Unfortunately, he had heard some of the conversation. He was fine. I moved to my bedroom and started pacing. I reread every thing Kariba has sent me. I’m livid.

A whole relationship? He’s been in a whole other relationship for the past six months? Aisha, think. Yes, you’ve noticed small changes. Not too much to fuss over but enough to cause annoyance. He’s always had a good excuse though. As much time as he spends on the phone with you and at your house how would he have time?

I look down at my phone, Kariba is continuing to tell the story, apparently he would spend the night at her house on Friday and leave Saturday and come to my house. He just split the weekends between us. His communication with her sucked. Which explains why I didn’t feel like we took a hit in that department. He was as affectionate, loving, attentive and caring as he always was. Our sex was just slightly different. I noticed and mentioned it. He stated there was no problem. He even showed up one day with a scratch on his shoulder that he explained away. Were we in a relationship? No, according to him we were only dating. After he got me to come around to his way of thinking that titles didn’t mean anything I adopted that belief as well. He would point out people we knew and how they had titles and they had sucky relationships. He claimed he loved me and this was where he wanted to be. I felt we were building something together because his actions would show me how much he wanted me; how much he cared. I went on family vacations with him and his family, we talked about our future, moving in together here and then moving to Africa eventually. He knew I thought and operated like we were exclusive to each other. My fault in this was not demanding what I wanted and what I knew I deserved. I had thought I subscribed to a “No More Boyfriends” rule but now I can see that the title comes with boundaries which leads to accountability. He was able to move forward thinking he did nothing wrong because we were not “exclusive.” It’s all word play.

I was a single wife, yet again.

I started to get dressed. I texted Kariba: “Are you down to meet up with me to go to his house?” At first she was hesitant but then agreed. Her sister, that Desmond claimed he never helped move, even said she would come down from Connecticut to get us and drive us there.

“Ok, let me know when she’s here. I’m ready to roll.”

Story to be continued in my upcoming book, “Confessions of a Single Wife” coming December 2017.

 

 

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2014 in review

Thank you so much for reading my blog this year! I wanted to share this with you all. More writing is coming! God bless you all and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here's an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

I was married, and now, not so much…

This will probably be the most unguarded and transparent post I have ever written but I believe God had put it on my heart to share so that, 1) I am held accountable for decisions I will have to make going forward and 2) so that this doesn’t happen to you. Not all that glitters is gold. Not everything you want to be from God is actually from God. The devil will deceive you to make you believe that the distraction he puts in your way is of God. It will appear that it is everything you want. Do not be fooled as I was…

I met him March of last year… I had just finished all my degrees and licenses and I was in my career and heading to Africa on a Mission’s Trip! When I met him, at my best friend’s church in north Carolina, I felt God was putting everything in to place – that I was ready to receive what I had been waiting for – and he was a Pastor!

Well, my best friend immediately said, “I don’t like him. He’s arrogant but I have to work with him at the church.” (RED FLAG #1) 

As he and I started to interact while we put the finishing touches on the Passion play set design he played the worship music I love (think Jesus Culture) and I was like Wow…he’s speaking my Worship Language lol

We exchanged numbers and spoke all month long when I returned to NYC and we connected. Now, knowing myself in the getting to know each other phase he told me that he was NOT affectionate (RED FLAG #2). I know that’s my love language but I was willing to forgo that. Maybe I didn’t NEED that as much as I thought I did…

I went back to North Carolina in April for the Jesus Culture concert, before that he had confessed to having a past which included shady activity and jail time. But he had become ordained and changed his life and that’s what I looked at now. He also needed to pay some fines before he could leave NYC…so I helped him financially…

At the concert, I fell in love with the way he worshipped God. I mean he was on fire and I was willing to give my all for this man who seemingly loved God more than anything. He never spoke to me in a sexual manner EVER. I figured this was it.

We decided that we were what we wanted so let’s get married. So what we lived in separate states (RED FLAG #3), so what he wasn’t financially stable (RED FLAG #4), so what he wasn’t able to provide a home for me, (RED FLAG #5), so what he would marry me knowing that he wouldn’t be able to provide anything for me (RED FLAG #6) – wasn’t love enough?

I had lunch with a friend and let him know I was going to marry him…he said you’re sure?

I was like, yeah, why not. We both know what we want. He has some traits that are questionable… he’s arrogant (RED FLAG #7), self-centered (RED FLAG #8) condescending (RED FLAG #9) but who is perfect?

I thought that everything I had been through was to prepare me for this man.

I was wrong.

No one in my family was happy about this. (RED FLAG #10)

On my wedding day, I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out in his bathroom (RED FLAG #11) there was still time to get out but I said I was going to do this so I had to follow through.

It was done.

I didn’t feel any different.

I was actually married.

Yet, after my wedding night, my “husband” barely touched me. (RED FLAG #12)

He actually wanted me to cover up when I was around him.

He was always looking for money even though he knew I supported my household (RED FLAG #13)

He didn’t want to let anyone in his church know we married. I was a secret.

“You should straighten your hair because you are a first lady and we need to have a certain look.”

“I married you and now I’m waiting for my favor. God said you’d be favor but I haven’t gotten anything yet.”

“I’m glad we are moving near my family so I can have somewhere to go when I get tired of you.”

“I don’t know how to speak to a female. I can’t speak to you kindly or soft because I’m a football coach. We are hard. We are tough. I wasn’t raised around emotional women.”

These are examples of his love towards me.

But because I made this vow before God I was DETERMINED to make this work.

I read every wife book published, leaned on God more than I ever have, learned various communication skills, etc, etc, etc – none of it worked.

Because it wasn’t meant.

We made a mistake.

He wanted a wife so he could be a youth pastor without being questioned in the South and I wanted a husband because I was tired of being alone.

We should’t have married and God gave me so many signs. Some people meet and marry and it works. It really does. That just wasn’t for us.

God hates divorce.

But He gave me permission to leave this farce.

For that, I’m forever grateful.

To you dear reader, I say to heed the signs that God gives you.

Listen to that voice in your spirit.

The warnings are NOT to keep you from something good, they are to lead you to something AWESOME.

Just wait.

Wait for God.

Because what He has for you is better than anything you could fabricate.

I’m guilty of impatience, settling and disobeying. We need to choose well. We need to make better decisions. I was really, really hard on myself for this. I was able to forgive myself for doing this to Aisha – who I love so much – January of this year and I’ve moved on.

Lesson learned.

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***I want to thank the most amazing friends God has saw fit to bless me with. Literally if you were not here with me through this I don’t know how I would have made it: Sofia, Jacita, Tasha, Kari and Kat – you supported me in my decision to work at it and then when it was time to leave you supported me still. I love you so much. ❤

Finding a Way Out of Darkness into the Light

You’re hopeless.

You’re lonely.

You’re hurt.

Nothing helps.

Nothing.

I implore you to seek the Lover of your soul.

He’s a gentleman.

He won’t force you…

Please open your heart to Jesus

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that those who believe in Him would not perish but have life everlasting. John 3:16

Your sin separates you from God.

You cannot get to God without Jesus.

Jesus is the ONLY one who fulfills the Messianic qualifications.

He is God. God is Jesus.

To receive Jesus Christ is to refuse judgment to reject Jesus Christ is to accept judgment.

Beloved, come home to the Father.

Pray this prayer…

*Father God, I know I am a sinner in need of forgiveness; in need of a Savior. I know that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and because of that sacrifice

I am saved. I am clean. I am forgiven. I ask for forgiveness of my sins and I ask Jesus to come into my heart to be my Savior; my Lord; my all. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.*

If you prayed that prayer email me…I want to help you on your journey and praise God for you accepting eternity in Heaven with Jesus Christ!

I’m Going to South Africa!!!!!!

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HUGE NEWS!!!!

I am going on a mission trip to South Africa if my passport will just hurry up and get here!! !

I am excited and scared and everything in between. I pray that God use this trip to wreck a new soul in me and use me to spread the gospel and just be a blessing to whoever I meet.

I’ve never been out of the country…let alone to AFRICA…I’ve always wanted to visit the Motherland and God has made it possible.

What I will be doing:

“We’ll be partnering with First City Baptist Church in East London, South Africa on various projects. In the past, teams have done light construction/cleanup, worked with kids affected by HIV/AIDS, assisted with local community outreach projects, taught Bible School programs for the children and have even had the opportunity to go into the public schools.”

I will be going from June 28th-July 7th.

BUT I need your help! The total cost of the trip will range from $2000 to $2,500!

If it’s in your heart to donate to this journey please know all donations should be made out to The Journey Church and marked “South Africa/Aisha Picott”

If you prefer to give online – I am looking into how to to go about that with my church.

BUT you definitely will be hearing about this from me over the next few months as I prepare my mind, body and soul for this volunteering journey.

Stay tuned!

Then Jesus said to them, “So wherever you go in the world, tell everyone the Good News. ~Mark 16:15

~Aisha Antoinette

Long Time No Write

I believe writing for me is cathartic. It helps when I share my life experience with others because I am reminded that 1) I’m not the only one going through this, 2) It encourages others, and 3) I get encouragement and support from others. No matter what we like to think – we cannot do life alone.

So…

Welcome to September 1st, 2012. We will never see this day again but thank God He has seen fit for us to live it. As I sit here and sip on my Celestial Seasoning Peppermint Tea, I’m thinking of the past few months that  have brought me to the place that I am at now – still, at peace and with my joy firmly in tact.

God has really been speaking to me as of late. He will use a number of ways to speak to you (especially if you are ignoring his direct counsel). He will speak to you through people, places and things. In my case, it was through the person I was seeing.

He had, so eloquently, pointed out during a discussion that I was flip floppy in my faith and sometimes-y with my Bible. I immediately got defensive and said, “You need to understand that the Christian walk is hills and valleys!!!! I’m going through stuff!! I…I…” Wait. If the person closest to me at the time could not see Christ in me, what were other’s seeing? After that discussion I went into serious reflection mode and asked God to reveal these things to me. I got my answer.

I had been so moody  because of my circumstances (job hunting when you’re supporting a family of 4 is tough on you mentally, emotionally and physically) and had been complaining to everyone who would listen. I had to stop and ask myself, “Where is your faith?” If I had been outside of myself I would have also questioned where was her God? The God she claims can do all things? Does she really believe in Him?

I also was affecting how unbelievers saw God.

Ouch.

That revelation hurt.

People are watching.

Unbelievers don’t understand that “This Christian walk is hills and valleys!!!” They don’t get that sometimes we still sin, we fall short, we too are human. They want to know if this is your God and you claim He can do all these things – Why are you so defeated all the time? Why are you so depressed all the time? If that’s your God – I can do without Him! They see surface Christianity and want to see an unwavering faith and when we fail to be that light they walk away UNCHANGED by their encounter with you.

If we do anything as Christians, it should be changing someone’s view of God from I’m not sure about that to He HAS to be real. Look at all she’s going through and still nothing but praise leaves her lips! He HAS to be real! She’s gone through all these trials and tribulations and still has joy in her heart! Why is she different? What’s she got?

People are watching.

Observing a people who say their God is mighty, incredible and the King of King and Lord of Lords.

People are watching.

And we have to do better. We have to claim what’s ours in victory.

We need to be able to suffer and show the light of Christ at the same time.

We need to be able to get through so that the people watching say what’s going on with them? That they have such strong faith. How are they able to stand? We need to be able to stand because that’s how people come to salvation. They say I want that! Whatever it is that they have I want it, too!

Even though this person is dying! Even though this person has cancer! They still have this unshakable faith in a God that’s going to be there for them; a God that is always going to be with them and they honestly believe that! I want that!

People are watching.

And they are judging our God by His people and what must they think?

We have to do better.

We have to better representations.

This is a call for all Christians out there. I had my faith checked and if you ever had your faith checked you know how much it hurts.

But it made me better.

Out of the conviction of my heart flowed a renewed passion to be obedient and to be that light.

I pray the same happens for you.

 

 

 

 

Today’s Inspiration

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…came with my peppermint tea.

It reminded me that I have to renew my mind daily…if not I am prone to destructive thoughts. Having the right mindset is so important. Meditate on this verse

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

What does this verse say to you? How do you renew your mind? How can we know God’s will?

Share this with your friends and share your thoughts in the comments below!