Self Worth

Don’t sell yourself short. The world does enough of that for you.

~Aisha Antoinette~

Advertisements

July 9th, 2010

 

How can you still give me butterflies? How can you still make my breath catch? How can I still be nervous, anxious, and apprehensive? How can I still love you?

~Aisha Antoinette~

I’m in Love

He was someone I had known for years. He had been a close family friend. He had many appealing qualities, but I had never really thought about him in a romantic way. It was true that he had a sensitive and tender side that I had seen on a few occasions. But he was also extremely passionate about truth, and I felt that sometimes he came across a little too strong on certain points. To be honest, he intimidated me. It also seemed that he was a little too involved with “church stuff.” When I thought of him, I was reminded of Sunday school lessons with flannel Bible story characters or gold offering plates, this was not exactly the atmosphere for true love!

He was one of those people with a piercing gaze who can see straight into the depths of your soul. Because of this, I had gone out of my way to avoid him for the past few years. For some time now, my life had been a chaotic mess of compromise and confusion. I didn’t want him to see what I had become. If he found out what I had done, I was sure he would surely reprimand me and remind me that it was too late for me to ever discover anything more. But I soon realized I was very, very wrong about him.

I found him waiting for me by the apple trees near my back gate one day as I headed out for a morning walk. I was startled to see him there, surprised that, after all these years and all the times I had ignored him, he still wanted to spend time with me. I gave him a tentative glance, and he smiled at me. A tender intimate smile, that made my heart lurch in spite of itself. I quickly looked away.

“Can I walk with you?” he asked in a gentle voice. I nodded, still avoiding his gaze, and he fell into step beside me. We made our way in silence for a while, listening to the occasional chatter of a squirrel or high-pitched chirp of a robin. I kept my eyes on the gravel path at my feet.

“I missed you,” he told me simply. Though it was obvious to both of us that I was the one who had put the distance between us, there was no hint of accusation in his tone. I bit my lip and nodded again, unsure what to say in response.

We walked a little farther, and I realized his presence was both refreshing and comforting. I could feel his tender eyes watching me, silently telling me how important I was to him, though I could not figure out why. Nothing else was said during the rest of our time together that day, but I sensed that something more was about to happen between us. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready.

Our friendship slowly grew. The more time I spent with him, the more I realized how different he was from any man I had ever encountered. In him, there were none of the sex-hungry glances I had received from the guys at school, not a trace of the flirtatious teasing that had come to surround me, and not a strain of the seductive charms I had grown so accustomed to in men. But somehow I knew that he loved me. That he deeply desired me. That he found me beautiful. I hardly dared to hope that I had finally found the one man who could fulfill those long-forgotten dreams of mine. Even if he could be my prince, I was sure that I found him too late.

“This is completely crazy,” I told myself aloud one night as I tossed and turned in bed. “He wouldn’t want someone like me.” I was convinced that his love for me would shrivel up in a second if he truly understood how many mistakes I had made. I didn’t think I could risk becoming attached to him. I had been hurt so many times that I didn’t know how much more pain my heart could handle.

I had another worry. He didn’t live his life the way anyone else did. He stood out like a neon billboard on a lonely desert highway. He was mocked and misunderstood by quite a few people in my life. I knew he would not fit into my world, would not be accepted by my friends, and would not be at home in most of my surroundings. How could I possibly love someone like this? What did he expect me to do? Walk away from everything just to be with him?

I wrestled with my fears for weeks. He never pressured me to make a decision. He simply reminded me in a hundred different ways, that he loved me and that he longed for me. He was infinitely patient, tender, and sensitive…the kind of prince I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember. He made the immature romantic wannabes who had historically gained my affection seem like pitiful counterfeits. After seeing the real thing, I couldn’t believe I had fallen for such poor substitutes. But at the same time, I couldn’t help wondering whether or not he might just be too good to be true.

The more time I spent around him, the more something inside of me desperately wanted to just surrender and fall into his waiting arms. But I was afraid to let myself trust him. I was afraid of what my decision might cost me.

Over time, gradually, like the moving of the hour hand, my guard came down. No matter how many times I pulled away from him, his love remained unmoving, like a majestic, unwavering mountain overlooking a tumultuous ocean. I had even tried to convince him that I was not good enough for him. I told him in detail, with hot tears flashing in my tormented eyes, exactly what I had done with my life, heart, and body over the past years. But I sensed that instead of judging me, he was inwardly weeping over every piece of my shattered heart. Coming face to face with this infinite kindness left me stunned.

One morning, as I was sitting alone on a bench in the crisp spring air, I felt him softly approach me. He didn’t have to speak. I took a long look into the depths of love in his eyes, and I melted. With tears coursing down my face, I fell into his arms and told him passionately that my heart belonged to no one but him. At that moment, my life, my pursuits, my friends, everything I had built my world around faded away into nothingness. None of it seemed even remotely important anymore. Nothing mattered now but him.

As I whispered my devotion to him, a brilliant peace crept into my heart and began to mend its broken pieces. His eyes were wet with tears of joy. I felt like an eagle gliding along the majestic mountain peaks following an afternoon storm. I had finally found my prince. He had gallantly searched for me and rescued me from my dungeon of captivity. He had loved me in spite of my wretched, ugly condition. He had taken the filthy rags I was clothed in and given me the sparkling gown of a beautiful princess. His amazing love had fully revived my shattered, wounded, bleeding heart. And though I knew that I must now sacrifice all I had ever known in order to be with him, there was not a shred of doubt lingering in my mind. It was like giving him a pile of worthless pebbles and receiving a houseful of priceless jewels in return…

…The One who was waiting for me that morning by the apple trees when I went out for my walk. The One I surrendered to on that unforgettable spring morning a few months later. The One who passionately loved me, tenderly held me, and deeply cherished me in a way I had never before experienced, in a way that fulfilled all my childhood longings and desires. The One who rescued me from the dingy prison cell I had wandered into, cut the iron chains away from my feet and hands, tenderly washed me clean from my life of sin, transformed me into His princess, and carried me away into the sunset to His land. My true prince is Jesus Christ.

– extremely long quote from Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy [I could never write anything that amazing!]

*WOW! What an AMAZING testimony! I had to post this!*