This will probably be the most unguarded and transparent post I have ever written but I believe God had put it on my heart to share so that, 1) I am held accountable for decisions I will have to make going forward and 2) so that this doesn’t happen to you. Not all that glitters is gold. Not everything you want to be from God is actually from God. The devil will deceive you to make you believe that the distraction he puts in your way is of God. It will appear that it is everything you want. Do not be fooled as I was…
I met him March of last year… I had just finished all my degrees and licenses and I was in my career and heading to Africa on a Mission’s Trip! When I met him, at my best friend’s church in north Carolina, I felt God was putting everything in to place – that I was ready to receive what I had been waiting for – and he was a Pastor!
Well, my best friend immediately said, “I don’t like him. He’s arrogant but I have to work with him at the church.” (RED FLAG #1)
As he and I started to interact while we put the finishing touches on the Passion play set design he played the worship music I love (think Jesus Culture) and I was like Wow…he’s speaking my Worship Language lol
We exchanged numbers and spoke all month long when I returned to NYC and we connected. Now, knowing myself in the getting to know each other phase he told me that he was NOT affectionate (RED FLAG #2). I know that’s my love language but I was willing to forgo that. Maybe I didn’t NEED that as much as I thought I did…
I went back to North Carolina in April for the Jesus Culture concert, before that he had confessed to having a past which included shady activity and jail time. But he had become ordained and changed his life and that’s what I looked at now. He also needed to pay some fines before he could leave NYC…so I helped him financially…
At the concert, I fell in love with the way he worshipped God. I mean he was on fire and I was willing to give my all for this man who seemingly loved God more than anything. He never spoke to me in a sexual manner EVER. I figured this was it.
We decided that we were what we wanted so let’s get married. So what we lived in separate states (RED FLAG #3), so what he wasn’t financially stable (RED FLAG #4), so what he wasn’t able to provide a home for me, (RED FLAG #5), so what he would marry me knowing that he wouldn’t be able to provide anything for me (RED FLAG #6) – wasn’t love enough?
I had lunch with a friend and let him know I was going to marry him…he said you’re sure?
I was like, yeah, why not. We both know what we want. He has some traits that are questionable… he’s arrogant (RED FLAG #7), self-centered (RED FLAG #8) condescending (RED FLAG #9) but who is perfect?
I thought that everything I had been through was to prepare me for this man.
I was wrong.
No one in my family was happy about this. (RED FLAG #10)
On my wedding day, I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out in his bathroom (RED FLAG #11) there was still time to get out but I said I was going to do this so I had to follow through.
It was done.
I didn’t feel any different.
I was actually married.
Yet, after my wedding night, my “husband” barely touched me. (RED FLAG #12)
He actually wanted me to cover up when I was around him.
He was always looking for money even though he knew I supported my household (RED FLAG #13)
He didn’t want to let anyone in his church know we married. I was a secret.
“You should straighten your hair because you are a first lady and we need to have a certain look.”
“I married you and now I’m waiting for my favor. God said you’d be favor but I haven’t gotten anything yet.”
“I’m glad we are moving near my family so I can have somewhere to go when I get tired of you.”
“I don’t know how to speak to a female. I can’t speak to you kindly or soft because I’m a football coach. We are hard. We are tough. I wasn’t raised around emotional women.”
These are examples of his love towards me.
But because I made this vow before God I was DETERMINED to make this work.
I read every wife book published, leaned on God more than I ever have, learned various communication skills, etc, etc, etc – none of it worked.
Because it wasn’t meant.
We made a mistake.
He wanted a wife so he could be a youth pastor without being questioned in the South and I wanted a husband because I was tired of being alone.
We should’t have married and God gave me so many signs. Some people meet and marry and it works. It really does. That just wasn’t for us.
God hates divorce.
But He gave me permission to leave this farce.
For that, I’m forever grateful.
To you dear reader, I say to heed the signs that God gives you.
Listen to that voice in your spirit.
The warnings are NOT to keep you from something good, they are to lead you to something AWESOME.
Wait for God.
Because what He has for you is better than anything you could fabricate.
I’m guilty of impatience, settling and disobeying. We need to choose well. We need to make better decisions. I was really, really hard on myself for this. I was able to forgive myself for doing this to Aisha – who I love so much – January of this year and I’ve moved on.
***I want to thank the most amazing friends God has saw fit to bless me with. Literally if you were not here with me through this I don’t know how I would have made it: Sofia, Jacita, Tasha, Kari and Kat – you supported me in my decision to work at it and then when it was time to leave you supported me still. I love you so much. ❤