I’m Sorry if I’m Asking Too Much

I’m sorry if I’m asking too much

But in a world filled with insecurity, coldness and isolation

I just want something real

I want to know you’ll be there

I want to know you want me too

In a world that has made people disposable

I want to know that I’m indispensable to you

I want to know that your heart beats faster when I draw near

I want to know that you’ll always be here

I need to feel that you feel me

In the innermost part of your soul

The part you can’t control

I want to know that you’ve never met anyone like me

I want to know that I make you think of impossibilities

I want to know you know me

In the innermost part of my soul

The part I can’t control

I’m sorry if I’m asking too much

I just need to know you crave my touch

That you want me as much as I want you

That you know, to you, I’ll always be true

I need you with the part of me

That no one ever sees

The place where my feelings go to hide

The place my pride has gone to die

I’m sorry if I’m asking too much

If it’s not passion set on fire

I don’t want it

So many things are mundane

Mediocre

Just getting by

My love can’t be

It will be an inferno

The air will be set on fire

Ablaze

Whenever I say your name

Can you feel me?

Somewhere between sleeping and wake

The purge

Sweet release of utterance

I’m sorry if I’m asking too much

Too soon

 

 

 

 

 

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Staying Power

I’ve had several conversations with people regarding this topic – the ability to stay involved and work in a relationship. Two universal truths were apparent:
1. Not many people in this day and age want to work.
2. There are too many options.

Unfortunately, in our microwave society where people have become disposable, people aren’t forced to tough it out. The option to not work it out is far more appealing – because “I can have another you in a minute. Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute. -Beyonce”

A person could have all the qualities you want in a person and you’ll dismiss them because of one slight annoyance.
This leaves me to ponder the question…
Is anyone worth anything to anybody anymore?

When you decide to like someone and pursue something further with them, do you practice sticking it out now?
If you don’t practice forgiveness and sticking it out now with a person what makes you think you’ll automatically be able to do it in a marriage?

You need to forget what the world is doing and gain your own happiness. Look around. The world is miserable. Society now is heading into the direction of disposable people. People have become disposable in friendships and in relationships.

Back in the day, you argued but you made up and continued on with life together. How can you stand the rain if your run at the first sign of drizzle? Are you a fair weather friend? Are you a fair weather lover? Is your capacity to love ONLY in ideal circumstances?

If so, you’re going to be alone or in and out of relationships for a very long time. People are human. People are flawed. They are going to hurt you. I say that all to say that even though that is the case – getting past those obstacles strengthen your character and gives you the opportunity to practice forgiveness.

I want to urge you to practice your staying power.

You can do it.

I believe in you.

~Aisha Antoinette

Confessions of a Single Wife – How to Date Without Marrying

Listen. I have a problem. I’m a wife.

A single wife.

You heard right.
I am a wife without a husband.
This means – you treat your “person,” the one you are dating, like your husband -when they are not.
I am not the only one guilty of this. Many women are.
I’m here to help. Follow me…

1. Boundaries – Are AWESOME. Use them. You do not have to go above and beyond ALL THE TIME. It’s just how you are, I know, but calm down.

2. Availability – No. You are NOT available ALL THE TIME. Remember that life you enjoyed before them? (Because you SHOULD have been enjoying life while you were actively waiting for your person, right? Right??? Ok. Good) You still have it. You still love to read, listen to music, hang out with your girlfriends, art classes, lounges and lazy Rom-Com binge sessions in your pajamas all day. Just a reminder. You’re welcome.

3. You can NOT MOVE IN. That’s all.

4. You do not have to give an account of your whereabouts unless you want to.

5. Do NOT make life-shaping and life-changing decisions based on your person. You’re just dating.

**Side note regarding above mentioned sacrifice:

“Sarah Whitton, a psychologist and researcher at Boston University, found that men and women view it differently. “The gender differences are the big story here,” she says about the research she’s done on this topic. “The main thing our study shows is that women tend to act like they are married — making sacrifices like spending Christmas with their boyfriend’s family and moving across the country for someone who may not yet have fully committed to them.”

Whitton says that while women make these big sacrifices thinking that it means the relationship is headed toward marriage, men often don’t see it that way at all.”
-Hanna Seligson

Rule of thumb and one of my favorite sayings:
Don’t make someone a priority when you’re only an option.
That was number six by the way.

7. Boundaries – YEP! AGAIN! You’re not picking up all his dry cleaning, ironing and washing his clothes, cleaning the apartment thoroughly…NO! Slow down, girl. You’re not his wife. Just a reminder. You’re welcome.

8. You’re amazing – just thought I’d let ya know. 🙂

9. Take your time – there is beauty in the process. The development and cultivation of a lasting bond is priceless. You’ll also be able to see red flags such as selfish, controlling, manipulative or ungodly like behavior.

10. Love you most of all – self explanatory!

Have an awesome night you single wife – just reel it in! 😉

~Aisha Antoinette

P.S. Although this was light-hearted, it is an issue that many women face, especially Christian women who are in preparation of becoming a wife one day. Proper time and place is key and discernment is vital. God bless you.

I was married, and now, not so much…

This will probably be the most unguarded and transparent post I have ever written but I believe God had put it on my heart to share so that, 1) I am held accountable for decisions I will have to make going forward and 2) so that this doesn’t happen to you. Not all that glitters is gold. Not everything you want to be from God is actually from God. The devil will deceive you to make you believe that the distraction he puts in your way is of God. It will appear that it is everything you want. Do not be fooled as I was…

I met him March of last year… I had just finished all my degrees and licenses and I was in my career and heading to Africa on a Mission’s Trip! When I met him, at my best friend’s church in north Carolina, I felt God was putting everything in to place – that I was ready to receive what I had been waiting for – and he was a Pastor!

Well, my best friend immediately said, “I don’t like him. He’s arrogant but I have to work with him at the church.” (RED FLAG #1) 

As he and I started to interact while we put the finishing touches on the Passion play set design he played the worship music I love (think Jesus Culture) and I was like Wow…he’s speaking my Worship Language lol

We exchanged numbers and spoke all month long when I returned to NYC and we connected. Now, knowing myself in the getting to know each other phase he told me that he was NOT affectionate (RED FLAG #2). I know that’s my love language but I was willing to forgo that. Maybe I didn’t NEED that as much as I thought I did…

I went back to North Carolina in April for the Jesus Culture concert, before that he had confessed to having a past which included shady activity and jail time. But he had become ordained and changed his life and that’s what I looked at now. He also needed to pay some fines before he could leave NYC…so I helped him financially…

At the concert, I fell in love with the way he worshipped God. I mean he was on fire and I was willing to give my all for this man who seemingly loved God more than anything. He never spoke to me in a sexual manner EVER. I figured this was it.

We decided that we were what we wanted so let’s get married. So what we lived in separate states (RED FLAG #3), so what he wasn’t financially stable (RED FLAG #4), so what he wasn’t able to provide a home for me, (RED FLAG #5), so what he would marry me knowing that he wouldn’t be able to provide anything for me (RED FLAG #6) – wasn’t love enough?

I had lunch with a friend and let him know I was going to marry him…he said you’re sure?

I was like, yeah, why not. We both know what we want. He has some traits that are questionable… he’s arrogant (RED FLAG #7), self-centered (RED FLAG #8) condescending (RED FLAG #9) but who is perfect?

I thought that everything I had been through was to prepare me for this man.

I was wrong.

No one in my family was happy about this. (RED FLAG #10)

On my wedding day, I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out in his bathroom (RED FLAG #11) there was still time to get out but I said I was going to do this so I had to follow through.

It was done.

I didn’t feel any different.

I was actually married.

Yet, after my wedding night, my “husband” barely touched me. (RED FLAG #12)

He actually wanted me to cover up when I was around him.

He was always looking for money even though he knew I supported my household (RED FLAG #13)

He didn’t want to let anyone in his church know we married. I was a secret.

“You should straighten your hair because you are a first lady and we need to have a certain look.”

“I married you and now I’m waiting for my favor. God said you’d be favor but I haven’t gotten anything yet.”

“I’m glad we are moving near my family so I can have somewhere to go when I get tired of you.”

“I don’t know how to speak to a female. I can’t speak to you kindly or soft because I’m a football coach. We are hard. We are tough. I wasn’t raised around emotional women.”

These are examples of his love towards me.

But because I made this vow before God I was DETERMINED to make this work.

I read every wife book published, leaned on God more than I ever have, learned various communication skills, etc, etc, etc – none of it worked.

Because it wasn’t meant.

We made a mistake.

He wanted a wife so he could be a youth pastor without being questioned in the South and I wanted a husband because I was tired of being alone.

We should’t have married and God gave me so many signs. Some people meet and marry and it works. It really does. That just wasn’t for us.

God hates divorce.

But He gave me permission to leave this farce.

For that, I’m forever grateful.

To you dear reader, I say to heed the signs that God gives you.

Listen to that voice in your spirit.

The warnings are NOT to keep you from something good, they are to lead you to something AWESOME.

Just wait.

Wait for God.

Because what He has for you is better than anything you could fabricate.

I’m guilty of impatience, settling and disobeying. We need to choose well. We need to make better decisions. I was really, really hard on myself for this. I was able to forgive myself for doing this to Aisha – who I love so much – January of this year and I’ve moved on.

Lesson learned.

unhappy-couple1

 

***I want to thank the most amazing friends God has saw fit to bless me with. Literally if you were not here with me through this I don’t know how I would have made it: Sofia, Jacita, Tasha, Kari and Kat – you supported me in my decision to work at it and then when it was time to leave you supported me still. I love you so much. ❤

Misadventures in Dating: Phone Calls/Text

So, I’m officially dating again. I’m accepting invitations for coffee, lunch, drinks or dinner. It’s official. I believe God has healed me from “The Incident of 2013” and I’m testing the waters again. What’s funny is that I found that to date I have to be social lol and over the past year I’ve withdrawn a bit – so baby steps.

I thought I would document my journey in hopes of gathering/offering support because if there is one thing my friends and I agree on – dating sucks.

Especially for a single mom like myself.

The first thing I want to note is texting.

People don’t call anyone anymore.

Before I continue, the last time some one tried to seriously date me (in person) was 2008.

He asked for my number and called me. Which I thought was the normal thing to do.

Fast forward to 2014. I’ve gotten many text messages…and no phone calls.

What does this mean?

You want to get to know someone no strings attached?

Is hearing someone’s voice now something intimate?

Are they just not that into you?

Is it just easier?

Navigating the dating waters without proper technological training nor etiquette is unnerving.

What does it all mean?

And if you do call does that mean your interest has risen from text worthy to voice worthy?

What gets you to voice worthy? Do people assume you won’t be able to speak?

Is it because I’m a mom? They assume I’m busy?

Why so many questions?

My Master’s degree was easier to get.

 

What do you think? Should a phone call be made initially? Or is texting just the norm?

Should you eventually call someone to ask them out?

Is “Do you wanna meet up?” a date? Or is that pre-date talk?

I am so confused.

So share your thoughts in the comments. What do you think?texting_1455781c

Morning Devotional – Living Life Abundantly

9to5 just to stay alive…

9to5 just to stay alive…

9to5 just to stay alive

Just to stay alive

Just to stay alive

Just to stay alive

Do you go to work, go home, sit at the tv, eat, pass out and then wake up the next day and do it all over again?

Have you ever sat in traffic or waiting for the train; bus; taxi cab, and wonder…isn’t there more to life than this?

I have good news! There IS! Jesus gave His life for you…to give you life and not only that, He came so you would have life more abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. -John 10:10

When wondering if there is more, ask yourself what your gifts are? What is your passion? What do you enjoy doing? It may have nothing to do with the job you are in now but what if you were able to use those gifts and talents where you are right now? It only takes some creative thinking. It’s so easy to get in a rut in the day to day hustle and bustle. I urge you to never lose sight that you have a greater purpose and life propagates new life. Life has untold capacities about it – beauty, fragrance, strength, growth, variety, reproduction, resistance to death, continuity, eternity.

There is so much more.

My prayer for you:

Father God, I pray that the person reading this is filled with Your Holy Spirit. I pray that You touch them and open their eyes to new insight into what You have purposed them to do. I pray that you renew their faith, their hope and their spirits. I come against any schemes of the enemy that try to trip them up and make them think they are any less than what You have called them to be.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

bible-light-rays

Morning Devotional – Spur One Another On

I was spurred on yesterday and it was so refreshing.

I find that in our Christian walks it is imperative to surround ourselves with like minded people. Not so that you are a part of a clique, not so you can gang up on others, not so that you can find value in them, but, so that they can spur you on in this walk.

Paul states in Hebrews that this is something we should consider: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,” Hebrews 10:24

The definition of consider is – to think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on

This was so important that Paul wanted us to carefully think about how we could spur each other on toward LOVE and secondly GOOD DEEDS.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I just don’t feel like it. I’m stressed from work, home, and everything in between and I just don’t feel like being loving much less doing a good deed… Have you felt that way before?

That’s why it’s so important to have others around you spurring you on and in turn, when you are filled, can spur them on.

Have you spurred someone on lately?

Do you have people in your life that spur you on?

What good deed can you do for someone today?

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